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Preparing to see your child

Preparing to see your childUna Archer
00:00 / 13:33
I am safe, even when my child is feeling (insert emotion that you find difficult to be with)

What: If you currently spend limited time with your child, you might feel pressure to make this time good, whatever good looks like for you: have fun, engage your child in play or give them a great big hug. This meditation invites you to explore a different perspective that hopefully will reduce that pressure: whatever happens during your time with your child is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Every emotion (be it pleasant or uncomfortable) offers an opportunity to connect with your child. 


Why: Emotions in relationships are like the weather in the environment: we need both sunny days and rainy days. If it were warm and sunny all the time, the plants would dry out. The colder days and the rain help to create the balance. In the same way, the sunny parts of the relationship (having fun, sharing excitement and joy) play an important role in nurturing your relationship with your child. However, spending too much time in this “gear” can feel exhausting for both of you and limit the depth of your relationship. 


Even though the rainy parts of the relationship (slowing down, welcoming your child’s anger, sadness, frustration, confusion) can look messy on the outside, in the long run, they help nurture a solid, secure relationship. 


How: The best way to prepare for the next visit is to reflect on the last one. This meditation is an opportunity to reflect on what happened when you were with your child: moments you felt present and moments when you disconnected. It is important to notice both: when it is easy to be with your child and when it does not feel comfortable or safe. It is easier to start by reflecting on what happened in the past. The more you practice reflecting on the past moments, the easier it will be to notice when you begin to disconnect in real time. 


What if: You’ll probably find that some emotions are easier to be with than others. If, growing up, you were told to go to your room when you felt angry, or nobody seemed to notice your sadness, your child’s anger or sadness might not feel safe. Please be kind with yourself and give it time. Every time you can stay with those emotions just a little longer, you are stepping more fully into being your own version of being a secure base for your child. 


Why: Emotions in relationships are like the weather in the environment: we need both sunny days and rainy days. If it were warm and sunny all the time, the plants would dry out. The colder days and the rain help to create the balance. In the same way, the sunny parts of the relationship (having fun, sharing excitement and joy) play an important role in nurturing your relationship with your child. However, spending too much time in this “gear” can feel exhausting for both of you and limit the depth of your relationship.


Even though the rainy parts of the relationship (slowing down, welcoming your child’s anger, sadness, frustration, confusion) can look messy on the outside, in the long run, they help nurture a solid, secure relationship.


How: The best way to prepare for the next visit is to reflect on the last one. This meditation is an opportunity to reflect on what happened when you were with your child: moments you felt present and moments when you disconnected. It is important to notice both: when it is easy to be with your child and when it does not feel comfortable or safe. It is easier to start by reflecting on what happened in the past. The more you practice reflecting on the past moments, the easier it will be to notice when you begin to disconnect in real time.


What if: You’ll probably find that some emotions are easier to be with than others. If, growing up, you were told to go to your room when you felt angry, or nobody seemed to notice your sadness, your child’s anger or sadness might not feel safe. Please be kind with yourself and give it time. Every time you can stay with those emotions just a little longer, you are stepping more fully into being your own version of being a secure base for your child.

TRANSCRIPT

I'm recording this meditation to help you prepare for the next time you are going to spend time with your child. To think about how you can show up as their secure base during that time, and also think beyond it long-term—how are you shaping your relationship with your child? Let's start by focusing on the breath. Notice the air flowing in and flowing out. And as you become more aware of your breath, expand that awareness into noticing what's happening in your body. What sensations are present? And notice how you feel. Can you name some emotions that are present for you right now? Maybe there is one strong emotion; maybe there is a mix of emotions you are experiencing right now. And just be curious about what's there. There's no need to change any of it or make it go away. And next, I invite you to think of a moment with your child. Maybe it was the last time you saw them, maybe it was farther in the past, when you felt like things were going well. Maybe you felt calm and confident as their parent. Maybe you were having a nice time. Maybe it was a challenging time, but you still felt present and connected with your child. Just trust whatever memory comes up. And stay with that memory. Notice if it changes how you feel, if it changes the sensations that are present in your body. And as you stay in that memory where you were showing up as a secure base for your child—or it was close to the kind of secure base you want to be for your child—notice if there is a place in your body that is feeling calm and grounded. Or maybe there is a place that feels expansive. Go with what feels right for you. And if you found that calm, grounded, or expansive place in your body, stay with it. Keep noticing how it feels. And if you haven't, that's completely fine. We all connect with our memories, with our bodies, in a different way. Just finding a phrase might work better, something like: "I am your secure base." "You are safe with with me." "You can trust me." "You can lean into me." If a phrase works better for you, see what resonates and then stick with it. And now we are going to change gear, and I invite you to bring up a different memory from a time you were with your child, spending time together. A memory of when things didn't feel that easy. Maybe they were acting out, or talking back, or they didn't want to engage. Maybe it was a situation where you felt angry, frustrated, confused. And spend a few moments connecting with that memory and noticing what changes. Are there different emotions present right now? Are there different sensations present in your body as you connect with that new memory—different memory? And next thing, I invite you to try is to kind of hold both together. As you think about that second challenging memory, see if you can go back and reconnect with that part of your body that felt grounded, calm, or expansive, or the phrase that resonated with you. See if there is an option, a possibility to kind of replay that memory where you were feeling maybe a little bit calmer, a little bit more grounded, a little bit more present, a little bit more connected with your version of being your child's secure base. If you have an image or a feeling that comes up, stay with it. And if you notice that it's hard, nothing is coming up, I want you to know that, even though it can be frustrating, it's okay. Just you showing up, staying curious, asking yourself those questions, staying with that inquiry, is shifting something. It's laying the groundwork for an insight that might come later. Maybe just as you go about your day, or maybe when you listen to this meditation again, or maybe when you're with your child. So, as we're bringing this meditation to a close, I invite you to connect with your felt sense of what it feels like to show up as a secure base for your child. Notice the sensations that are present in your body. Notice how it feels, the emotions that are present. And see if you can take that with you when you see your child next. And see if you can stay connected with it, whatever—whatever happens, however the situation unfolds. So, let's take a few more mindful breaths. Become aware of the whole of your body again. Become aware of the support underneath your body. And when you're ready, allow your eyes to open, and come back into the room.

Continue nurturing your relationship security

Secure Base membership offers a library of guided attachment-informed meditations to help you approach any parenting situation feeling feel calmer, more present and more connected with your child. 

As a parent using a NACCC member contact centre, you can join Secure Base membership with a 50% discount. Use the code NACCC when you sign up, and your discount will be applied to all future membership payments.

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